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hella long, mang 2002-04-25<>1:42 p.m. four hours of sleep is cool. last night was full of... stuff. i went to karaoke with alison, laura, kate, joan, missy and... someone else, i forget her name. it was a lot of fun. we horribly sang groove is in the heart by dee-lite. and we watched a bunch of mid-thirties sing not so bad. it was a lot of fun nonetheless. i love alison because it actually seems like she cares. after that, i played hide and seek in the park with laura, joan, salty, allan, micah, joel and a couple other people. i kick hide and seeks ass. although, i think people gave up looking for me and i felt like the 6 year old gullible kid who was taken advantage of by his baby sitter when she told him "now, lets play hide and seek. i will count and you go hide. then i will come find you." and then the baby sitter counts to 4 or 5, just enough until the kid runs off, and then she resumes watching television and never comes looking for the kid. i eventually came out of my hiding place because i was tired of waiting. we went back to salty's place and hung out there for a bit. i started playing a game of horseshoes, which i am not too great at (though i am not too bad at, either). in the middle of the game, joel needed a ride back to the b-hole, so i took him. he seems like a nice guy. i hadn't met him before last night, so we talked about ourselves. he asked me my story. i said that i moved here about a month a half ago from california, and i am anxiously awaiting school, because i miss it a lot. he asked me what i did to keep my sanity, as in, what do i do as a hobby. what am i passionate about. ... this got me thinking. i dont have any hobbies. i am not really passionate about anything. i feel like a fucking apathetic loser who cares about nothing because i honestly dont feel too passionate about anything. i really dig school, but i am not even doing that. i "pretend" to play the bass, but i have been "teaching myself" for about a year now, and i am no better than i was about 3 months into it. i have no hobbies, i guess i am on the internet a bit, and then i watch tapes of shit that i recorded off of premium cable. that is my life. i have absolutely nothing accomplished. at salty's, we were hanging out in the living room, i was sucking it up at nintendo, because i was never any good ad video games, and this also got me thinking... "im not good at anything." there is absolutely nothing i excel at! salty suggested math and science, which is true, i love the stuff, and im not too bad at it, but like i told him, i am afraid to take calculus because i havent taken it before. maybe "afraid" isnt exactly the correct word. its more like i am intimidated by it because i have no experience with calculus. its something new. i totally look forward to it, but in an anxious kind of way. i want to learn, but i dont want to fail. then laura started talking about how math and science people are more often regarded as "smart" while the art and literature kids have to work harder for that title. i believe that its true that people think this, but in my own opinion, i generally think the other way. in my warped little state of mind, i believe that the art and english kids know where its at, while the math and science kids are only good at analytical stuff. i dont think that last sentance made any sense. as i have said in previous entries, i would like to think that i have a fairly well rounded knowledge of common sense. and i do, i have found, compared to most people. but this does not even come close to stopping me from feeling like a complete fool in front of other people. the whole night, i just felt like the boring kid who was overstaying her welcome. the kid who people go "who is she? and why is she here?" so if i felt like this, why didnt i leave? i suppose that its because i didnt want to be at home anymore. i want to get out. not to mention the fact that desiree has a boy over. he randomly came up from orlando last night, so i figured that i would give them some time alone. salty, i really do apologize for staying so long at your house. also, you are the king of dr. mario. you are far superior. i start work monday as a telemarketer (didnt i swear that i would never again do this?). its seven bucks an hour and a full time job. something to pay the rent. it will be good for me, i think, because i will get out of the house and i will leave everyone else alone (except those poor folks i am calling). getting out and working is good. perhaps it will give me a sense of purpose. jesus christ, what the hell has been up lately? im not feeling bummed or anything, i dont think. i believe its actually just the fact ive been so happy lately, and now, its just normal again, but seems worse in comparison. stop it! |