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dont read this

2002-02-19<>7:32 p.m.

i hate the fact that finances have to be the root of our problems. our, being my parents. the geo died today. the only car we are left with is my moms explorer... the new car, go figure. so yes, we have one car, two people with jobs, each workplace 30 miles away. so basically... my dad will be driving us (us being my mother and me) around tomorrow. i am going to try to work from 7:30am until 9:00 pm tomorrow. i want to work as much as possible so my parents wont have to pay too much for the trip to florida.

my dad also got a call from the diability people today. he was denied. his back is so fucked up, he cant get another job, even if he wanted to (and he DOES want to). at least let him do something to take his mind off the fact that hes not a firefighter anymore. i know for a fact that my father go back to work in a new york minute if they let him. but now, he cant even sit for an hour straight... and so that means no training for a new job. sometimes i think my dad is depressed.

my mom, on the other hand, is stuck at a job she hates. middle management, hurray, at the hospital. she is director of respiratory care... some of her staff makes more money than she does. she doesnt get overtime, even though she stays there wayyy more than 8 hours a day. when she got the job, she was the best qualified, even though she didnt have a degree higher than a bachelors. now, shes got doctors working under her, and she fears she will lose her job. i know that my mom has more skills than any other department head at any hospital. if you think you know what stress is... talk to my mom, she will tell you differently.

both of my parents want to win the lottery (who doesnt?). it seems like that would be the only answer to all the problems weve got. we have only one car, we live on a dirt road so friends and public transportation are out of the question. im moving to florida in a week and a half, and we have to come up with at least 1000 dollars for the trip there, and at least 1000 dollars to get desiree and me set up in an apartment. hopefully, desiree and i can find jobs in tallahassee relatively quickly.

i suggested that we sell our house in chico... but i know that my dad doesnt want to do that, and i certianly dont want to do that either. that house was supposed to be my college fund. but seeing as how i am going to college for free, we still have it... but that doesnt mean that selling it would be any easier. i grew up there, as did my sister.

i want to die so that my parents will only have to pay one more fee concerning me... my funeral