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before all after


2001-07-12<>11:05 a.m.

as i was writing the last entry, my buddy list alerted me that michael was online. unlike last time (which was a couple of days ago), when i was stupid and foolish, i didnt IM him. i thought "rebekah and everyone else including myself will be proud of me for not IMing him." and its true. i dont need to talk to him anymore. he just used me.

"im feeling sad and depressed. i do drugs. talk to me"
"okay. im here for you. i will push everything aside so that perhaps i can help you to feel better."

and thats what happened. when he got out of rehab. i got no contact from him at all. nothing. an occasional email every once in a while, but that wasnt unless i emailed him first. so in his case, it was just a reply.

i made the mistake of asking him to go to winter formal with me. i did this because once, when we were on the phone,

"if i were still in highschool, i would take you to my prom. but im not anymore"
"but i am"

and stupid me wanted to go to winter formal with him. surprisingly, he accepted. dont get me wrong, it was the best night of my life, i think. i used to say that if i could live one day over and over again, like in the movie groundhog day, it would be homecoming night of my freshman year. because that night, wyatt was really nice to me and we hung out. we didnt go to the dance or anything, but i just felt really good that night. but now, my ideal groundhog day scenario would be the night of winter formal. i had a good time just driving around before the dance, and talking after the dance.

i was stupid.

wanting to go to winter formal was the stupidest thing i have ever done. by doing that, i felt even more attached to him, and so its even harder to get over him. not to mention he treats me like absolute shit, and i do nothing about it. i feel stupid, still.

last time we talked, which was a couple days ago, he was online, i asked him about the drug problem. he got defensive and angry that i wont drop that subject. what am i supposed to do? say something like "cool, if youre still doing drugs, that great. because, you know, they will kill you. but its not like that matters because its not like youre the absolute most wonderful, beautiful, inspirational, philisophical person ive ever met or anything. no."? ha, i cant say that. i got upset with him and i told him i was leaving. so i said something like "i am going to go now. if you ever want to talk, you can call me. i believe you have my number. if not, im listed" and i signed off.

but at least i didnt IM him this time.

he IMd me.

i had to be nice and polite. so i responded. i wasnt exactally pleased that he IMd me, and trust me, i didnt want to respond, but then again, i didnt want to be mean. so i did what i could do. i resorted to using monosyllabic words as often as possible.

"hey" he said
"i wasnt mad at you the other day" he said
"so can we talk?" he asked

stupid me.

he asked what was going on in my love life. i told him that i finally have a boyfriend. he told me "sweet. you deserve it." and i wont lie, because i do. and i must say, i have a pretty awesome boyfriend (even if he was supposed to call me early this morning, but didnt).

but of course, that is the only thing i get to say about myself in this conversation. "yes, i actually have a boyfriend now." then the attention gets thrown back to him. hes lonely. he needs a lover. he needs someone, not only for sex, but someone he can open up to.

i dont know how to respond to something like this. so i dont. then after he gets on me about not responding, i tell him that he should go out of his apartment and start meeting people. so he can find a "lover."

i dont know what he wants with me.

i feel horrible writing about all of this because i know that garrett reads this diary. i sure as hell wouldnt enjoy reading in his blog about some past relationship that he still hasnt gotten over. but then again, there wasnt even a relationship between michael and me. it was just... it was.

it was nothing. we had met only once. but talked on the phone a lot before that. he knows nothing about me, i know what i feel to be too much about him. but i am sure that what i know about him isnt even a scratch on the surface.

so yeah, were talking right now. and i am letting him know that i constantly feel used by him, and that i used to worry about him all the time. i told him that i searched the obituaries in the sacramento bee every day to make sure he wasnt listed.

"ill be here forever"

gaah!!! i hate you, michael!