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before all after

"i dont need you now" - dr. frank

2001-06-18<>10:58 a.m.

so after waiting about a day, i have decided that i will finally write about florida and whatnot.

however, after much thinking... i have realized that the whole trip was completely uneventful. the plane rides were just like any other plane rides (but with lightning outside) the dorm rooms were cold and it rained inside because of the humidity. the weather in florida was hot and humid, and tropical storm allison killed 7 people in tallahassee. its all the same. completely uneventful.

i met some people, nobody i was totally fond of. i dont really think anyone was completely fond of me, either. we are all just casual acquaintances, i guess.

i really should start carrying around a notebook to write downt he funny stuff that i think of, because sometimes, i really do think of some funny things to say. for instance... oh wait, i cannot remember anything because i did not write it down. it was quite humerous, though.

you see, this entry is not nearly as long as it should be, and that is because i have had too much time to think, and the more i think about it, the more i realize that what i would write in here would be just what i write because there is nothing else to write. or not really because there is nothing else to write, but it would be just for the sake of writing it. not important, you see? but then again, nothing at all is important in here (well, not much) but if it is exciting, then it wouldnt be so bad.


i am at jennies house again. her sister, kali, is home from santa cruz. this is the first time kali has not made fun of me or gotten mad at me for no reason. its pretty cool, shes being nice to me. we ordered pizza last night, and it is still sitting on the table. maybe i should refridgerate it.

(at this point, suzy gets up to put the pizza in the fridge. as she picks it up, she notices that it is rather light for its size. she opens the box and realizes there is just one piece left. wow, these chow girls really can chow down!)

last night, i was on the computer doing whatever i do... talking to simon, talking to rebekah, when jennie comes running out of nowhere saying "i think scott is on the phone for you!!!!" or something. so i pick up the phone and say

"hey.... whats up?"

and so was the beginning of a very long bullshitted conversation. normally, i enjoy the BS conversations, i have no problem. but for this one, i was, for some reason, perterbed. it was one of the worst phone conversations ive ever had. really. i mean, dear god! ive had better phone conversations with steven. anyway, our conversation consisted mainly of "whats up?"s and "oh"s and lots and lots of silence. he got mad at me because i constantly "belittle" myself. for instance...

"on the plane home, there was an annoying little girl and blah blah blah blah (insert stupid story here) and blah blah blah, this story had no point. weee! hurray for me, i suck!"
"why do you do that?" scott would then say
"do what?"
"you constantly belittle yourself. you say that basically you are stupid and that what you have to say isnt important" (funny he says this, because most of what i say, he doesnt even listen to anyway)
"so? its not important"

i dont remember where the conversation went from there, but i dont think it was much farther.

also! he plays video games while he talks to me. and then, after about a half hour of that, he says "im not playing this game anymore" or something, and i tell him that i am playing solitaire. for some reason, he gets upset and seems to think that its not fair that i am playing solitaire instead of talking to him when he isnt even talking in the first place! so after a minute of argueing about that, i finally exit out of the damn program.

blah blah blah, insert bullshit conversation here, eventually he tells me that he feels the need to throw up, and i tell him that he should take a shower and then go to sleep. so he does.

i think that phone conversation was even more uneventful than the trip to florida. but for some reaosn, i seemed to have written more about it.

oh yeah! one more note on that... he said

"what are you doing this week?"
"nothing that i know of" i replied
"perhaps we should hang out or something sometime this week"

i didnt sound too enthused, and im not.

after talking to simon last night, i realized that i am so bitter about this whole thing because (and it may seem selfish) after hanging out with scott for 5 or so months, i felt as if i am owed something. nothing sexual, though, im not like that. but maybe just some grattitude, or some kind of... i dont know. but something other than "hey! im gonna go climb all over all the girls except you! this should make you feel like shit!"

blah, i dont need him. i dont even want him anymore.