when you leave:
wish list

before all after

i like bodies like mine (sam and morgan come to mind)


i believe i have proved my "cycle" theory correct.

now i must see where i left off in my diary... ahh yes, sunday was the last entry with any relevance. i called scott monday night to ask him what he was doing tuesday after school. then i asked him if he wanted to hang out with me after school tuesday because i had class again at 4 and its boring in redding. yay! we talked for like a half hour on the phone about... nothing, really. it was cool.

i went to sleep.

i woke up.

its tuesday! school happened, and then sam and i waited in the library for scott (i told sam to wait for me, and also, i had to take her to work at 3). fast forward. now its just me and scott in my car, i am driving around, we drive out to keswick dam and whatnot, just driving and talking. around 3:45 i asked him why he and his ex-girlfriend broke up. that was a long story, but i enjoyed hearing it. i love listening to boys talk. i wanted to talk more, but i had to go to class. after i dropped him off at his car in the east parking lot, i drove over to the south parking lot, because that one is closer to where my class was. i noticed that scott left his sweater in the car. i chuckled. then i decided this:

i like scott. but i like him too much to want to be his girlfriend. that is, i like him too much to persue him. talking, that day, i really did find out a lot about him, and he is really neat. i dont really know what else to say about that.

however, if he wanted me to be his girlfriend (ha! he does not want a girlfriend, but what i am saying is if he wanted me to be his girlfriend) i would be his girlfriend... but he would have to ask nicely. (no he wouldnt.)

so yeah, tuesday turned out to be a fairly good day, right?


i get home from class around 7:15 or so, and my grandparents are over. my grandpa is already asleep in the room that the computer is in. and i had a paper due the next day. not to mention that when i check my email in the morning (this morning) i find out that michael was online. i have not talked to michael since sunday morning after winter formal, and the one time he is online, i cannot go on the fucking computer because my rediculous grandfather decided to go to sleep at a quarter to seven. needless to say, i was angry. so i went up stairs and went to sleep at 7:30. my dad put all sorts of shit on my bed, and i could not move it anywhere because there is nowhere to put anything in this house. so i curled up on the 3 feet of empty space on the bed. thats about half of it, really. i was sleeping horizontally on the bed, as opposed to vertically, how you would normally sleep on it.

i wasnt going to, but i ended up putting on scotts sweater. its so lame, i know, and i agree. but i was just so upset with that shit that went on when i got home, i needed to wear it. (now that i look back on this entry, it doesnt seem like much, but trust me, it was). so i put on scotts sweater and covered myself up with my long coat. oh yeah, its freezing in this fucking house, i dont know how cold it was upstairs, but it was freezing. very very cold.

i woke up at 9:30 or so because my knee ached very much so. you see, when my knee is bent for a long time, it starts to hurt really bad. and seeing as how i was curled up in a ball on my bed, i guess that would do it. so when i woke up, i moved all the shit off my bed and onto the floor, then i got in bed (still freezing) and went to sleep. there are like zero blankets on that bed. i was warmer with my coat over me.

then i woke up, i figured it was in the morning "my alarm clock should go off any minute...



about a half hour later, after my alarm clock did not go off, i looked at the clock. it was 2:30, which means i had been awake since around 2. it took me then at least another hour to fall asleep. i got a horrible nights sleep. i shivered because i was so cold.

by the way, i am making entries long so people will be discouraged as to reading them. i see its working, too.

so then my alarm clock goes off at 5:14, i hit snooze. then it goes off at 5:22, i hit snooze. 5:30, snooze. 5:38, snooze. 5:46, snooze. 5:54, snooze. 6:02... i guess ill get up now. so i get up, walk down stairs. the one time my in my life my father is awake before me. i think it was just because his parents were over. he asks if i got a good night sleep.


that was all i said. so yeah, i was still pissed about everything that happened the night before, not to mention that i was freezing my ass off all night, and my knee hurt. (oh yeah, i took off scotts sweater after i woke up, because then my parents would ask whose it was, and if i said "scotts" they would think we were going out. and i didnt want to dissapoint them by saying "no". maybe liz is right, perhaps i should tell them that i am a lesbian, then they wouldnt think something is horribly wrong with me because i cannot attract boys to me.)

before i left for school, i checked my email, something i never do in the morning, but my dad had the computer on for some reason, i think he wanted to show my grandma something. so i checked my mail, this is when i found out that michael had been online last night, and jennie wrote me an email... that was about all i read, though.

out the door at 6:50.

i have never screamed so much in my car. i swear that i must have screamed all the way from leaving my house to getting on the freeway, and thats about 15 minutes. i guess it was kind of dangerous because i couldnt really see the other cars through the tears in my eyes. it reminds me a lot of last year. oh yeah, by the way, i think i am allergic to salt water. that is, salt water on my skin. or at least my face. because if i let tears run down my face, it starts itching. that sucks. im allergic to crying.

then i got to school, gave scott his sweater back around 11:00, and went to my substance abuse class. today was nice, we talked about what we would do for money. "how much would someone have to pay you for sex... if they were somewhat attractive?" most of the girls said they wouldnt do it. one girl said 10 million, one said 1 million, a couple of guys said theyd do it for free. i, on the other hand, am a cheap whore and i said a couple hundred dollars. where are my morals? i dont know. then we started talking about what to do if you like two boys and one of them is rich and one is poor. then i asked what would you do if you liked one boy, and he did drugs. it didnt help me at all.

now i am at home.

oh, and i lied, i still want to be scotts girlfriend. but i seriously am going to try not to persue anymore. and no, this has nothing to do with my fear of acceptance or my fear of rejection.