when you leave:
wish list

before all after

its a cycle


why is it when i have a good day, i can almost always count on a bad day just following?

yesterday was nice. scott called me in the morning. i was surprised, at first, i thought it was satan. anyway, it was just the thing to pick me up because i had been feeling so shitty from the previous day (you see, it goes in a cycle, good day, bad day, good day, bad day). we made plans to go thrift shopping, so i drove up to his house, we hung out there for a small bit, then we went shopping.

as we got back in the car after one store, i saw sam and ryan running down the street (we were only a block away from ryans house... if that). so nevertheless, we went to ryans house, hung out there for a while, and had fun. i liked it, it was nice. scott is very in shape, his stomache is really hard, mine is soft and pudgy, but i like it.

sam and i then went babysitting, la la la, that was cool, we went back to her house afterwards and then we went to sleep.

this morning, we decided to go to breakfast before she had to go to work, so we went to manhattan bagel. Ugh, they are severely overpriced, and the guy working the register just wasnt very nice. i spent about 7 dollars this morning... on one meal! that is insane! my budget does not allow for that.

then, we go to ryans house, so sam can wake him up and lay on him and whatnot. i helped. ryans bed is too small for any number of people larger than one. but we found a way to all fit. we pretty much just layed there. sam kept blowing rasberries on ryans chest. silly girl.

it came time to leave, and i drove sam to work. then i got out my cell phone to plug it in. i noticed that it said "1 call missed." the damn phone did not say that before, and it definately has not rang in a couple days. anyway, i check my voicemail. "hi suzy, this is michael, could you page me as soon as you can?" this message was sent this morning around 2 or so... i was still awake then, but the damn phone didnt ring (oh, and its not the first time the fucking phone didnt ring when it was supposed to.) so i page michael again, and i am worried. of course i am worried, i am always worried.

apparently, i was so worried that i didnt notice the speed of my car.


after recieving my first speeding ticket, i drove back to red bluff... the speed limit.

i didnt want to go directly home, because i was feeling shitty about the missed call and the speeding ticket. and every single possiblility of what is wrong with michael went through my mind. i decided just to drive through town. then my phone rang.

mom and dad are in town too. lets meet at wal-mart!

so we meet in the parking lot and were walking into the store, and i ask my father "why does my phone not ring when its supposed to?" i ask, you can sense that i am not happy about it. he just replies with something like "dunno." or "sucks for you, i guess" i dont know, something like that.

"michael called" i said.

you could tell that my mother knew that something was wrong. she asked if he was alright. that was all that i needed to set me off. i started tearing up. i told her that i didnt know because i didnt get to talk to him. i paged him, but he has not called back yet. we get into wal-mart, and i guess seeing all the clearance items in the front made me sad, because i started crying. my mother asked what was wrong, and i said something to the likes of "i just worry so much about him." it was the first time i had given my mother a hug on my own will in a long long long long time. she suggested that we go back outside.

so were sitting on a bench to the side of wal-mart, and were talking. i told her about the speeding ticket, and i kept asking why my phone didnt ring when it was supposed to.

"why doesnt my phone ring when its supposed to?"

my dad came outside (he is the type of person to just walk off if something is clearly wrong). my mom told him to drive my car home, and i would ride with her in the big ugly truck/SUV thing.

i put in weezer.

then i got home, and i calmed myself down by playing lots of solitaire. then i did my homework. and once again, here i am now.

still waiting for him to call me back.