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highschool makes me want to severely injure myself


after winter formal, i decided that i would not be shy anymore. i decided that i would actually do good stuff for me. i decided that i want to be happy.

i was in a good mood for the morning, i was actually kind of psyched because i decided that i was going to ask scott go to go lunch with me. ha, i even planned it my head, "scott, you should go to lunch with me after you get out of school." yes, i am in 6th grade, still.

i got out of govt. about five minutes early, and i go over to the library, because scott had study lab at that time, i kind of look around the library for him, then i look int the meeting rooms, and theres scott, ryan, sonny (sp?) and jennifer. so i mouth through the window to ryan "wheres sam?" and he said he didnt know. just to be sure i read his lips correctly, i opened the door and asked again "where sam?" he replied witht the same answer. i scoffed at him... just playfully though. i see jennifer and i ask her what shes up to "doing these fallacies" i laughed, because i was helping out with those in english this morning. i, like always, decide to state the obvious. "i am going to come in here" i said as i walked in.

scott looked a bit peeved, he was trying to read a book and the others were talking. it was cute. so yeah, im in there for maybe a minute, and then they look at the clock and see that it is ten minutes till. so they start packing their stuff. i knew i wasnt going to have a chance to talk to scott without jennifer, so i just watched them walk out together.

i felt like a small piece of shit.

okay, that plan was ruined, i feel like a failure now. it was so hard for me to even get the guts up to decide something like that, and i let the event slip away as if it were... i dont know, something slippery, i guess. if you are reading this and think i am overreacting, good for you. i probably am, but i dont really care because i am allowed to, even if you dont think i am, i want to, and that is what i am going to do. not to mention you have NO clue what goes on inside my mind.

i drove back to red bluff and listened to weezer. i sang along.

it seems that my highschool does not wish to include us college connection students in their happy little fun time activities... like senior trip. luckily, i have jennie to tell me about stuff like this. so i went to my highschool and payed the first installment for this "senior trip" or whatever. i am regretting it now.

another reason i went to the school was to see jennie, i had not seen her since winter formal (okay, so thats only a week, so?). i decided that i was going to be nice to everyone. let them think that i am a nice person. and i really was trying, too.

when i am going to do something, i like to play out what i want to happen in my head, its like a little movie or something. this one, titled "back at school" included me going back to highschool and paying for the senior trip or whatever, i would go say hi to jennifer podliska in mr. palubeski's class (im a moron, i guess youre not cool unless you've had him. i dont know him. oh well). so i say hi to her, show her my hair, then go back to the student government class, where it doesnt seem like they do anything, but i am sure they are, that is how our student body is governed. and then jennie says get all excited to see me and says "you should stick around until lunch and then go with me!" and i accept. so then we go to lunch, and i didnt really get further in my daydream than that.

thats not exactally what happened.

i got to the highschool, saw jennie, kind of said hi, i was nice to the people who were nice to me (kate) and then i payed my money. i sat down on a bench while all the student government kids seemed like they did nothing but i am sure they were doing something because that is how our student body is governed. after a couple minutes of just laying on the bench, jennie comes back out. i ask kate if she thinks mr. palubeski would get mad if i just walked in on his class, she says no, grabs my arm and we start walking over there. "come on jennie!" kate said "why?" jennie replied "come on, were going to palubeski's class" "so why do you want me to come?" jennie asked. "so i can say hi to kenny, and you can say hi to brandon." i laughed a lot. and pionted at jennie, and laughed some more. its more of a crazy kind of laugh, i guess.

so kate and i went to palubeski's class, i saw jennifer, she saw my hair, then i went back to outside of student government. then i sat. sat. on the bench. i sat, la la la, i sat. jennie never asked me if i wanted to go to lunch. oh yeah, i should mention that i wasnt happy and nice like i decided to be. i still felt like a total moron over the whole scott thing. yes, i am lame like that. fuck you. kate and jennie start walking over to the PAC or something, and i follow them, still waiting for jennie to say something like "suuuzy!" and then give me a hug. i follow them like a little puppy on a leash, well, a sad puppy. then i follow them back, and i follow them to the gym, where they were teaching the boys for the mr. spartan pageant a dance or something. after about a minute in there, i decided to leave. i told jennie was leaving, and she said "okay." then i left.

as i walked to my car, i accidentally dropped my bag (purse thingy, whatever). as i leaned over to pick it up, i couldnt help it, so i just kind of cracked, and sat down on the ground, indian style, for a minute. i was probably making noises, too. i was crying.

im a wuss, still.

i guess the thing that sucks the most is the fact that i felt as if jennie was embarrassed of me or something around her friends. i have not felt like this big of a piece of shit in almost a year. i know she is going to read this and she is going to want to try to explain or yell at me or something. "talk about it". please dont. i just want to sleep tonight.

so i got in my car and came home. here i am now. sitting on a chair in front of my computer. i guess thats the end.

also, i have a request. please do not take this entry too seriously, im in a bad mood, so this is what i write. dont worry about it.